The Story of My Ex.

This is the story of my child’s father and I.

Be prepared, this is gonna be a long one.

How We Met.

We met in March of 2011. My best friend and I were going through a friend of ours’ pictures and came across his. (We were all mutual friends.) She is a lesbian so the fact that she had a half-naked guy’s picture on her phone threw us for a loop. We s

started joking with her saying how “hot” he was, to which she replied that he only lived “right down the road.” So, she called him up and he came down to meet us. We all exchanged numbers and went about our business.

At first I didn’t want a relationship, I didn’t want anything with him really. He called it playing hard to get, I called it not being interested. Eventually the more we hung out the more “attracted” we got to each other. It took two weeks for me to fall head over heels for him. I know, two weeks is a very short time, but I had never felt like that about anyone before.

Year One.

On April 3 we made it official that were a couple, two weeks later he was supposed to leave for Army Basic Training. So time went by, we got closer, we fell more in love, and then it was time for him to leave. He did and then came right back a day later. He had smashed his finger in a car door and even with clearance from doctors, they (MEPS) still didn’t want him to leave. He received a new ship date of early October. I was ecstatic I got him for a few more months! I knew it was going to hurt really bad to see him go, but he signed up before we met and there was nothing I could do, so I just took advantage of the extra time.

Speed up to October and it was nearing his last few days. I went back to stay with him for a few days up until he left. It was hard, but hell, he would only be gone for a few weeks. We talked about getting married once he was stationed somewhere so that gave me something to both look forward to and keep me busy while he was away. After he was finished with BT, we went and stayed with his Mom in West Virginia for 2 and a half weeks. He was different. It’s like in a way he didn’t even want to spend time with me or be near me. I felt like shit the entire time we were there.

Once we came back home he went onto Virginia for AIT (job training)  and I went back to my dad’s. In between him moving from job training to his duty station, we also moved. My brother had moved in with us so we moved to a nearby city that had a much better school system.

After  AIT he was back in Georgia for his duty station. It was around this time we hit the one year mark. So for the most part of our first year together, he was away.

Year Two.

About 6 months into our second year together he was still gone and we were settling into our new house. That summer he attempted to convince me to leave home and move in with some of our friend’s so that I could get out on my own. (MISTAKE.) It was also around this time that I an ex girlfriend of his contacting me that he had paid for her to go visit him. LOL I’M SORRY WHAT?! Yeah. (I’m gonna make this part short.) Apparently he wired her some money (she sent a super blurry picture of the receipt) and she went to visit him. Yes, she told me AFTER the fact. I looked into his account and yes, there was a charge of exactly $100. He claims he was out doing field training and left his debit card with his roommate so he could buy groceries. It’s rare you hit an even number like that unless you are splitting the bill, and second, if you’re wiring money there will be an extra charge. He denies it all and she knew way too much or it to be fake. So who knows.

Anyway, even after that I still decided to leave home and move in with my best friend and her boyfriend. (again…MISTAKE!) You know, “fresh start” and all that mess. *eye roll* I moved, got a job, and he helped me pay my share of the bills and came to visit every other weekend or so. (He wound up being stationed about 2 hours from me.) We moved in with them to help with bills and all because their other roommates had just flaked on them. And let me tell you this, you really learn a lot about people once you live with them. Living with my ex brought out the worst in me. I have never been so angry at someone in my life until we started somewhat living together. I’m talking about pure rage. We would argue all the time, but still stayed together because even after all that we still loved each other. Things also escalated past arguing..I’d throw things. And this isn’t just me, he would do things as well, but his was more emotional. I was not abusive to him but I can’t say the same about him towards me.

A few months after living with them, it was November of 2012 actually, his uncle died. He has cancer and didn’t think he was going to be able to come home for the funeral and all but he was able to. It was around Thanksgiving so he just got a little longer break. It was during this time that he brought it to our (mine and his family) attention that he was getting out of the Army. That’s right, after just one year he bitched out. Apparently he had shin splints or whatever and used that as his excuse for a medical discharge. His family was not pleased at all and as his girlfriend, I supported his decision no matter what. On one hand he had this good thing going for him and on the other I was somewhat glad I didn’t have to deal with the Army anymore. So by Christmas he was out of the Army for good. He moved in full-time with us and sat on his fucking ass collecting unemployment. Essentially it was my pathetic part-time check somewhat supporting our end of the deal.

February rolls around and our lease is up so we decided to get our own separate places. They had an easier time finding something because her boyfriend made way more than we did. We couldn’t find anything that was decent with a decent price. Eventually we did find something. It was a little shack of a house that was $325 a month. It had 2 bedrooms, a super tiny bathroom, a living room, and a “kitchen.” It was small and I hated it. I loved having my own space but I hated that house.

Shortly after we moved in he actually got off his ass and got a job and I found out that I was pregnant. Again, his true colors showed. He did not want this child. He called his mom crying asking her if there was anything we could do about it. (yet again, leaving home was a MISTAKE.) So here I was in a house I hated, pregnant with someone who ungrateful and worthless, and feeling more alone that I ever had.

Year Three.

After our two-year anniversary I was really starting to feel all the “joys” of early pregnancy. I was sick..oh my god I was sick!! He was still sorry. We got so behind on bills, I don’t know where his money was going, but it wasn’t to bills. It was still like I was trying to support us with just my small paycheck. It got rough. I was paying what bills I could and trying to buy groceries with the money I has left. If living in that house like that taught me anything, it was how to budget and shop with little to nothing.

A few months in I fell into somewhat of a depression. It was starting to weigh heavy on me that I had no money to buy things for my baby that I really needed to stock up on. I hated always being so broke, I hated feeling like I was getting no where. He wasn’t growing up. He wasn’t helping like he needed to.

By October I was getting more and more nervous. We had no money, we had nothing. Looking back, we wouldn’t have made it with this baby living like that. We would be living on the street or something. There is no way we could have lived that way with the way he was with his money. So we decided to move back to my hometown. Our friends (that we were previously living with) had recently moved back and were, yet again, trying to get us to move in with them to help them out and give us some help as well. So we did. As behind as we were, I went. Four weeks later I had my baby and went to stay with my mom at my aunt’s house. I didn’t go back. I stayed. I didn’t want to live like that anymore. It was hard but by the time we were together for three years, I found a job and was supporting me and the baby on my own.

The End.

The whole time after the baby was born we barely saw him. He was always “too broke” to come see us or help out with him. My mom, my aunt, my grandparent’s, and even my 17-year-old cousin was helping take care of my child when my money ran out. Do you know how much that hurts? I am so very grateful for the help during that time but I really wish he would have just helped. I begged him at times to just give me his paycheck so I could help him budget so we could see where his money was going. But he wouldn’t. So when I started back working I just did it myself. A few months later we moved from my Aunt’s house to my grandparent’s (where we currently still are). This is much better on us. It was quieter and we have more room. Still, his visits became few and far between. It got to where I was giving him money from my little paycheck for him to come see his child.

This is where my feelings started dipping out. After being away from someone like that, feelings can sometimes get a little muddled. And mine did. Here we were three years in with a child and he couldn’t help me out by getting us our own place. Not to mention this is where my mother really started hating him. Everyone used to love him but I guess once he started spending less and less time with us and he wasn’t helping financially either, people cared less about him too. Including me. I hated what he had become, what we had come to. Every night after work I would just lay in bed and think about what was wrong with me. Why was I feeling this way?

I had finally just had enough. I was feeling like there was more out there for me. So I told him. I ended it between us, or well, attempted to. It was like every time I tried to break things off he knew how to reel me back in. He promised me that he would come by more often, give me money to help buy his diapers and things, even brought up marriage. He knew that’s what I had wanted more than anything, and it seemed right, but in the end it wasn’t enough. I was told of more things that he was doing behind my back while he was living elsewhere. It just helped make the decision easier on me to just do my own thing. So I did.

I threw away three and a half years of my life and it was the best decision I could have made. Link and I are so much better off without him. Sometimes it hurts to be without someone who I shared so much of my life with, someone that I have a child with, but if you truly knew what he was like, you would understand. To top it all off, the last time he saw Link was the day after his first birthday party. Nearly two years ago. He doesn’t ask about him, doesn’t offer to help pay for any of his expenses, so fuck him. He’s been blocked on all social media and he’s changed numbers so I don’t have to worry about that either.

So that’s that. That’s the story of my ex. That’s how I got to where I am today. And honestly, I couldn’t  be more thankful for being led to make the decision to leave him. We aren’t struggling financially anymore, I’m not listening to anyone’s lies anymore, and most of all, my son doesn’t have someone coming in and out of his life. ♥

Motivation Monday: Have Faith.

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Everyone has their own struggles, no matter big or small, everyone has them. Regardless of what I go through I always have to remind myself to have faith.

Have faith that things will turn out for the better.

Have faith that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Have faith that everything will fall into place.

Just because something isn’t going your way right now, or progress is too slow, or you’re unbelievably stressed doesn’t mean that things won’t get better. Thinking positively and having faith can help you persevere. You can’t just dwell on the negative. Focus on the positive and have faith that things will get better, that things will work out for you. I know it may seem far off now, I know that right now you may be overcome with stress, but it’s okay. Stressful situations come up, bad things happen, the skies get grey, but that is no reason to give up faith.

Regardless of what may happen, what you may feel, how things may turn out: Alway have faith. ♥

I AM.

I am many things.

I am a mother.

I am a daughter, a sister, a friend.

I am a student.

I am a part-time cashier. (It ain’t the best, but I make it work.)

I am strong-willed.

I am a fighter and a lover.

I am single.

I am happy.

I am family oriented.

I am overwhelmed.

I am proud.

I am a hard worker.

I am dedicated.

I am headstrong.

I am filled with love.

I am a planner.

I am faithful.

I am beautiful. Inside and out.

I am a homebody.

While some of these may be flaws, don’t get it twisted.

I am not your punching bag.

I am not a rug to be walked all over.

I am not a one night stand.

I am not a terrible person.

I am not lazy.

I am not hateful.

I am not petty.

I am not you.

 

I am me.

Eczema Rant.

I really hate that I feel the need to have to post shit like this. But, dammit, I am so tired of having to explain this mess to people!

My son is 2. TWO. He has eczema. Yes, we have been to the doctor about it. No, it is not contagious. Yes, he has always had this. No, I cannot get him to just “leave it alone,” didn’t you hear me tell you he was TWO?! What kind of two-year old listens that well, or hell, even cares about what you’re saying. In his mind he is itching and he must scratch to relieve the itch. If you must know, we have tried several lotions, creams, antibiotics, oral steroids, soaps…you name it, we have probably tried it. Yes, this heat is terrible for it. Yes, the cold is also terrible for it. No, I do NOT care about how so-and-so magically cleared theirs up. We have tried coconut oil, we have tried vaseline, Benadryl cream, steroid cream, any and every lotion out there for super dry skin. Have you ever tried to put lotion on someone like that? He thinks everything burns, yes, even vaseline. And hell, who knows, maybe it really does burn me. I am not him, I cannot answer things like that for him. I would much rather lather him up at night while he is sleeping versus listen to him scream bloody murder during while I try to dab cream on him. No, not a rash, not poison ivy/oak, not a disease. Please quit staring. Please quit making that face of disgust. It is a simple skin condition. No, it will never go away completely. No, there is no cure. As he gets older he will be like me and just learn to cope with it and learn how to fight the urge to claw at it constantly. He will learn to just lather it up before bed and wear sweatpants. I actually had a specific pair of pants that were plum greasy from all the vaseline I would use at night, even after washing them after each “session.”

I have looked up several “remedies” and none of them quite work like they ought to. We are working with his fabulous doctor who is trying his best to find us a combo that works at keeping the flare-ups at bay while also not being too harsh on his skin. Please send good vibes our way as we continue our journey to finding what works best for us. ♥

To My Other “Family.”

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The Pretend Photographer

It’s true, every family is different. Mine is, well…to put it lightly, it’s quite diverse. Both sides are both similar in ways and somewhat different. My parents are divorced and well, quite frankly, the rest is none of your damn business. (Lol)  However, this post is more so directed at my Dad’s side of the family. If you are on my Mom’s side and happen to read this as well, this isn’t about you. So don’t go running around being a twat running your damn mouth saying I’m talking shit.

I want to be up front and honest on this blog and while some of my posts may be a bit whiny about my future, they’re true feelings. This one however, I won’t put things lightly. There are years of built-up emotions and while I won’t mention every little detail and feeling, I’ll cover a good bit.

First things first, what kind of family just blatantly disrespects and disowns someone because of their orientation? Seriously, man, what. the. fuck. I don’t care about your religion, love is love is love. That is your own flesh and blood. They come to you as they are and you just pretty much say,  “Fuck you, we don’t want you.” Tell me if I’m wrong, but that’s damn sure what it seems like. Do you know what kind of courage it takes to be honest like that? It takes more than you could imagine. And when they finally work up all that courage to be completely honest with you, there you go, running off as cowards. Instead of being the bigger person you put this hateful barrier up. Fuck that. I am so glad I was taught to be a better person than that.

Not only did you cut off contact with them, you slowly did the same with us. Visits became few and far between, calls became less frequent, and before you knew it we were like strangers. The people we once couldn’t wait to see and spend time with became complete strangers. It’s like we don’t even know you anymore. We went years without contact. All those holidays, birthdays, graduations…events with no cards, no calls, nothing. We sent you announcements for graduation when we all graduated,and got nothing in return. You people don’t care. You could probably give a shit less about us three. Dad and I see eye to eye on this. All these holidays, birthdays, and yet you still showed no signs of caring.

Up until you found us all on Facebook, we hadn’t talked to you in…years. All those calls we made to you about birthday parties when we were younger and trying to set up visits for all of us to catch up and you never answered. We went to visit you on our own account 2 years ago. And to be completely honest, I didn’t want to go. Hell, why would I? To pretend that I missed any of you? I did for a little bit..back when I was younger. As I got older I just came to terms with the fact that you people didn’t want anything to do with us. We reached out to you and you showed no acknowledgement. Now it’s to where I can’t even be friends on Facebook with you because of how close-minded you are. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, sure, but I will not tolerate blatant hate on my posts. I am strong-willed, independent, and I feel so very strongly about equality. If my Grandma Johnson was still alive you know damn well she wouldn’t tolerate that mess. She always loved her children no matter what.

I hate to come off so petty about things, but as I’ve gotten older my eyes are opened up more and more each day. I hate to be “hateful” about things, but after all the things I have invited you to, if I ever were to find someone and get married, don’t expect an invitation. I can go without your negativity and trailer park etiquette. If I ever have more children, don’t expect birth announcements, party invites, or announcements for their graduations and potential weddings. Consider yourself left out and excluded. Much like you’ve done to us.

Snapshot Sunday: Father’s Day Recap

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First and foremost I want to wish a Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers, fathers-to-be, fathers of angel babies, step-fathers, and mothers for have to be both roles. (If I left anyone out, Happy Father’s Day to you, too!!)

Unfortunately, I suck at taking photos for my blog. (Lol) I really wish I would have taken a couple of pictures of all the gifts and food and all, but let’s face it, family matters more than this blog ever will.

Today we just did lunch at my grandparent’s. My dad got to come, so that was good. ☺ I love every minute they get to spend with Link, and with so many different schedules to work with its nice for us to all get some time to just hang out. We didn’t have near as many people over as usual, some of my cousins (well, all of them actually, lol) went camping over the weekend and another one lives in Kentucky now. So, we just did lunch and a few gifts and sat around for a little bit.

For lunch we had ham, homemade mac and cheese, brown rice, green beans, pineapple casserole, potato salad, pasta salad, rolls, homemade rice krispie treats, and an ice cream cake! (Yeah, this is where a picture would have been nice…) After we were done eating we gave my dad and grandpa their gifts.

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DIY Canvases

These were my most favorite gifts! We made these little canvases based off of some pictures from Pinterest! The fishing one was for my grandpa and the Yoda was for my dad! They loved them and Link had a blast making them. We also got them several other items as well as some huge Father’s day cards. We got my dad some “Little Chef” kitchen items: 2 small glass cutting boards and an oven mitt and dish towel. We also threw in a small bag of mini turtles (the candy). As for my grandpa, we got him some nice grilling utensils (about 7 of them actually), a few grill/BBQ printed dish towels, a bible cover, and a shirt.

Overall it was a great day. Shortly after everyone left Link fell asleep so now I’m just sitting here binge watching season 4 of Orange is the New Black. I hope you had a pleasant day as well, even if you spent it alone. Happy Father’s Day ♥

Today, I Choose Joy.

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Often there are days that I feel completely and utterly defeated. I have days where I feel overwhelmingly submerged in depression and anxiety. There are days where, no matter what, I just feel like shit. I get it, everyone has bad days. But I truly believe that if we try hard enough, we can fix those bad days and change the negative to positive. Regardless of how defeated I may feel I choose to feel joy. No matter how sad, hurt, and unhappy I may feel, I will choose to be happy. I will make the good outweigh the bad. I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are so many days where my mind runs wild. It feels like sometimes I only want to focus on the negative, how bad things can be or are. I often forget to stop and think about how good things actually are. One things that often stands out is school and how long I still have until I finish. But at the same time I have to remind myself that I will be finished soon. I am about to begin a program to better the future of both myself and Link. And that right there is enough reason to find joy in all things. This is the farthest I have gotten as far as college. Usually I get to the point to get into a program or whatever after my core is done and then I change my mind. I’m a very indecisive person, so when I get to the point of finishing up my core for a program (i.e. radiology) I change my mind because it doesn’t feel like a good fit. So, with that being said, I have found something that I want to finish. I’m making myself finish. I’m choosing to find the joy in finishing school. Even if this isn’t exactly what I end up doing as a lifelong career, I want to be able to have finished something and gotten a degree in something. This may not be the best, but dammit I’m gonna do it.

I have also chosen to find the joy in being a single parent and being single in general. This is more time for Link and I. As bad as I want him to grow up with both (er, two) parents and have a stable home-life and family, I think we’re gonna do just fine with the both of us. I think when I finish school I will have a little more time to focus on everything else, but I’m determined to get us all on track with our own place and things like that. So it will take time, but until we get to that point in life, I’m going to find joy with it just being us even while living with family.

I also think that it’s hard to choose joy about myself. If that makes sense. Instead of focusing on what I don’t like about myself or the way I do things, I need to choose joy and be happy about myself. (I’m actually going to make a separate post about Self Love later on.☺) I may hate the weight that I have gained, but I choose joy about it. I’m joyful over these curves..it means I have food to eat. I’m joyful over these stretch marks, it means I was blessed with a curly-headed little boy. Those may be silly reasons to some, but to me it makes perfect sense. Having a child has made me see joy in so many small things.

I’d love to sit here and say how I don’t understand how people can’t find joy in things, but I get it. It’s hard to. Life takes over everything and the little things gets pushed to the back burner. I’d really love to make time to start thinking about the little things. I can’t speak for the future, but as for today….today, I. Will. Choose. Joy. ♥

No Code, Just Respect.

I was always under the impression that we were the type of friends that if you didn’t like someone, then I wouldn’t either…because well, that’s what best bitches do. Right? Well. Maybe not. Or at least that’s what your actions have shown.

We’re grown, okay? So there is no girl code/guy code bullshit. It’s simply just a respect factor that is lacking here. I dated someone for over 3 years and you saw how shitty of a person he was to me and in general, you even tried to get me to leave him on several occasions, yet here we are. You think it’s all okay to just be buddy-buddy with him. No. Not the case. Someone who treated your “best friend” (me) so shitty, who left her child behind, who acts like they’re just so great of a person. You think they’re still worthy of your time.

Part on me just wants to cut you out. Completely. It would be hard, but, where’s the respect here? Sorry to be “juvenile,” but didn’t we know each other first? So shouldn’t he be the one who loses you as a friend? I seriously think that once I’m done with school and can really get my life the way I want it, I’m going to make some serious decisions. Even if it means cutting you out. He is a toxic person, and you know this. Yet there you are, sitting in his house, fixing him breakfast while he’s at yours. It’s sort of disgusting to me. I just…I can’t have people in our lives who still associate and welcome that toxicity in their lives.

I hate to be that way, and some may think that I’m being super petty, but this isn’t right. In my eyes, he doesn’t deserve the time of day from anyone.

Send Them My Way.

I came across a new blog today. A Facebook friend had shared the most recent posts from it and before I even had to read it, I knew I related to it already. It was titled “Send Me Some One.” In a nut shell she’s asking God to send her the right man for her. Isn’t that what we all want? Every thing she listed was so spot on for me. Well, almost everything. So, today I decided to give my own list a shot and somewhat add-on to what she has already mentioned. Here goes nothing.

Send Them My Way.

Send me the one who is okay with not having a religion. I like my freedom.

Send me the one who loves my child as much as they love me.

Send me someone who will love me endlessly. Through the good and the bad.

Send me the one who wants to know about my life, who asks about my day, and inquires about y feelings.

Send me the one who can handle my strong will and will let me voice my opinion in all things

Send me the one who sees me as an equal, not as a lesser half.

Send me the one who doesn’t bring me down.

Send me the one who values me.

Send me the one who listens to me.

Send me the one who doesn’t put me down and values my views.

Send me the one who is intellectual and wants to better their future. Our future.

Send me the one who is family oriented.

Send me the one who doesn’t mind my potty mouth.

Send me the one who will love me even when I don’t love myself.

Send me the one is capable of taking care of himself (and a family) if I am ever unable to.

Send me the one who has the patience that I lack.

But most of all, send me the one who needs me just as much as I need them.

This isn’t too much to ask, I know my someone is out there. Just don’t forget to send them my way. ♥

Being Thankful.

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I sometimes think that we forget to be thankful all through the year. We only want to show gratitude during the holiday season when we’re seated around a turkey with our friends and family. Life can get busy, things happen. But is that really an excuse to just forget the simple things? Here, let me share with you what I’m really thankful for.

I’m thankful for my child. He gives me my reason for living. He is my motivation for school, to go to work, to want to strive for being better. He loves me more than I love myself at times and loves me even when I’m at my worst.

I’m thankful for my job. It’s not much but it works. They give me flexibility with school and they’re good to me. It’s laid back and I love it, even though I really need something more for me and Link.

I’m thankful for being able to go back to school (and financial aid to do so). I’m glad I’m able to go somewhere and get the education to better my (our) future. Even if it’s just a technical school, it’s still a start to something better.

I’m thankful for the people who I’ve left behind. While it may not make sense, I’m glad they’re gone. They showed me the exact thing that we don’t need. And while I’m on this subject, I’m thankful for my ex. He gave me the most exciting part of my life and I’m glad he removed himself so that we can move forward. We are so much better off without these people.

I’m thankful for friends, even they don’t seem like they are sometimes. They’ve been there when I needed them in the good and bad times.

I’m thankful for my family for putting up with me when I needed  it and for loving me when I didn’t deserve it. Thank you for helping make me a better person.

And finally, I’m thankful for myself. I’m thankful that I wake up each morning being able to breathe, see, move, talk. I’m thankful for the ability to be myself, my individuality.

Remember the little things. Be Kind. Be Thankful. ♥